26th February 2021
When the Belles found out it was National Tell A Fairy Tale Day, they spent the day on their WhatsApp Group chat, creating a fairy tale, line by line. This is the result!! Enjoy the madness and mayhem!
There was a sad and lonely girl, the daughter of a washer woman. She spent her days collecting wood to keep the fire burning to heat the water, and smaller sticks to whittle clothes pegs. The washer woman, sorry, washer person, was a mean old hag who spent their universal credit on gin and rent boys.
One day, when the wind was blowing round the hovel, and the rain was lashing at the windows, there came a knock on the door. Then came another knock…
“Who’s there?” shouted the hag.
“Please, I'm just looking for food and a warm fire to sit around, and my little dog is with me.”
“I’m allergic to dogs,” said the hag, “And I don't like people very much either”
“I'll sing to you to brighten up this dark and stormy day! Please let me in...”
“Only if you do the washing up” said the hag
“Ok!”
The hag opened the door and was amazed to see Lady Gaga with her French Bulldog.
“Hello, thank you so much for letting us in” said Lady Gaga.
“Bonjour!” Said the dog.
Lady Gaga set about doing the mountain of washing up, and the sad and lonely girl hid behind a tree and watched in horror as Lady Gaga started singing ‘I Was Born This Way’ and the hag joined in. Philipe, the dog, woofed and farted in time.
Eventually, after 13 days and 13 nights, the girl was fed up of hiding behind the tree.So, faint with hunger, she slowly made her way to the back of the hovel and was surprised to see an RSPCA van, and the entire cast of 'Neighbours' up in the roof with a party bucket of KFC...
Lady Gaga was still going strong but, after the girl had stuffed her face with fried chicken, she felt much better and joined in with ‘Poker Face’… Which gave her an idea of how to escape her life of drudgery and neglect. She asked Lady Gaga if she wanted a new dog walker, as hers had just been shot. Lady Gaga said she would make the poor girl beautiful, dirty and rich on one condition... So, the girl gave Lady Gaga some of those fabulous pegs saying, "They’ll make a great fashion accessory!"
Meanwhile, the fairies were sitting on their magic mushrooms pondering this storyline.Wasn’t it a fairy story after all? The chief fairy Fairy-across-The-Mersey, called them to order... “Little folk, with the unfeasibly puffy trousers, and bright blue hair, gather round!And be quick about it because we have early spuds to plant tomorrow!”
So, they planted the potatoes first...
Chief Fairy, Fairy Liquid, said “Brilliant! Now that's done I return us to the question of a fairy story. Its credibility is dented by the distinct absence of dragons or goblins or giants! Can it be considered a true fairy tale? Will it be reported as misrepresentation to the Fairy Tale King? And what about the gender stereotyping? Lady Gaga is far too independent and swashbuckling to be a female in a fairy tale, and have all fairy story characters been officially registered with the Fairytale Association of Brilliantly Bonkers Stories”
Fairy Liquid's wife, Fairy Nuff, thought this was all getting a bit philosophical, “Yerr but, yerr but, them’s were magic spuds”
Cue the ogre, Fifi.
“…Fo Fum! I smell the blood of a... Selby woman...”
A dark shadow descended as the ogre lumbered across the land trampling all the freshly planted potatoes!
“Fifi is my name,” said the Ogre, “who is Fo fum?”
“I AM FO FUM!” shouted a particularly small but possibly over confident elf.
“And I'm the Selby woman,” shouted a beautiful maiden in an implausible sparkly dress. The impossibly sparkly dress caught the sun and cast blinding light all around causing the ogre to blink and squint...
“YOU ARE AN IMPOSTER” shouted the Selby woman! You pretend to be an ogre and yet you can squint so clearly have two eyes!”
Attracted by the impossibly sparkly dress and the sound and smell of a Selby woman, Fifi the ogre lumbered across the woodland glade and scooped up the woman and carried her off to her ogre house, trampling the newly planted potatoes yet again…
“Haha!” said Gaga, “So that’s where she lives!” She and Philipe sneaked stealthily to the window of Fifi’s abode and were shocked to see Lulu who was wearing a ra-ra skirt. Gaga whistled for her unicorn, George, who came galloping out of the mist and ate the carrot from Gaga,s hair.
“Oh Boy George, what a strange day I’ve had, could you drop some unicorn poo in those newly planted potatoes please George dear? But now wait by the window while I rescue the Selby woman and some bird called Lulu, I have a cunning plan...” (Meanwhile, Peggy - the sad and lonely heroine of this fairytale, was walking Gaga’s dog)
“Right, I’m going to out on my meaty dress to distract the ogre, and get the Selby woman and Lulu to jump from the window on to your back. Then I’ll take my meaty dress off and follow them.”
“Three on my back, not in my lifetime,” thought George, but we all know that, of course, unicorns are eternal.
Peggy, the old hag’s daughter, could smell Gaga’s dress from across the great waste and decided that if that was what fame and fortune meant, she’d give it a miss. Surely there would be some handsome Prince passing her way shortly?!
Unfortunately, Gaga’s plan was fatally flawed, as she wasn't English, but then all the good princes are no longer in Selby, or England either. California has a lot to answer for!
Aware of the above, Peggy returned home. Well, to what was left of the hovel. The combined weight if the RSPCA van and the complete cast of Neighbours had caused the roof to collapse. Underneath the ruin could be heard... “Neighbours, everybody needs good Neighbours!”
The poor daughter wished that everything would just go back the way it had been. Because that was better than being squashed under the house. And frankly the neighbours cast were really getting on her nerves…
And then she awoke and discovered it had all been a dream!
There was a second, secret daughter who actually did all the drudging...
And they all lived happily (?) ever after… especially George who lives forever!
Meanwhile Lady Gaga and the others escaped from the ogre when Corrie came on the TV. Gaga, Lulu and George decided to form a trio and the lady from Selby got all her mates from the Abbey Belles to do the backing singing.
